Last night I watched a Midwife documentary…

I don’t really do scary films. I pretend I do and then proceed to watch a large percentage of the film studying my palm or the pattern of my scarf. I was not prepared for the horrors that unfolded before my very eyes whilst watching a documentary about the labour ward at a hospital and the worst part? That everything on the screen is actually REAL.

When I watch these documentaries about the life of a midwife I have the same reaction – yet continue to watch every variation of the same type of programme – my vahanhan* closes up and all of my organs ache. I don’t even particularly mind the blood it is the thought of essentially trying to push a melon through a keyhole. Even typing this now is making my vahanhan hurt.

I was not prepared to actually see the c-section being performed for triplets. Not prepared at all. There is a reason they are called internal organs. As soon as I saw them slice open and then pull apart her stomach I dived into the cushions and did not surface until the whole process was over.

I really do commend anyone that has had their vahoo** stretched to 10cm to push a small human out and anyone that has been sliced open and had their internal organs rummaged around in order to give birth. They are incredibly brave but I just don’t understand how they cope with the pain. Even when the birth is over, the women lay there looking exhausted and then they can’t have any sleep for the next 2 years as children have no idea about sleeping through the night so how do they ever recover?!

And then there is the heart wrenching moment when the baby comes out and doesn’t cry and I know the baby will be ok because otherwise they wouldn’t put it on TV but I’m still near tears every time until the baby cries and then I love life again. Well I say love life, I am restored to loving life in the sense that I just an aching vahan rather than an aching vahan and a broken heart.

So as I’m doubled up on the sofa about to pass out on behalf of the pain of these women my Mum always says “yes but after that pain you then have your baby” which I suppose is the silver lining in the situation.

I’ve already informed my mother that at current she is relying on my younger sister for Grandchildren.

*vahanhan = my personal vahoo

**vahoo = the collective term for a vagina. Your individual vahoo name is created by having ‘va’ and then adding a part of your name twice. For example, my name is Hannah hence vahanhan or I could potentially have a vacoopcoop. Other examples include; vachlochlo, vajojo, valulu, vafluflu – you get the gist.

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