My visit to the Opticians

I’ve had four eyes since I was about 12 [I also got braces in the same week, I was hysterical to say the least] and have now progressed to contact lenses so I can cope with life being ridiculously short sited.

As a consequence of this, I am now a pro at the opticians. However, today I went to get my eyes tested at the university’s eye clinic as I am student living and the university do free eye tests for their students. Isn’t that nice of them?

Alas, do you know why it is free? Because you become human guinea pigs for the optometry students.

In fairness, the girl I had was really nice and really good; it just took two hours. I can’t have my eyes poked about with for too long because apart from giving me a cracking headache, after a while I feel like I’m going to vom up my life. This would be very unfortunate for the shiny white lab coat of the optometry student.

So as I said this process took two hours. I had tests done medieval torture apparatus used on my eyes that I didn’t even realise existed.

First was the test where they shine a light in your eyes and ask you to look around various places in the room so they can stare at the back of your eye [insert gagging sound]. This is all fine and dandy until they ask you to look down and all you can see if their boobs. WHERE DO I LOOK? My eyes can’t look far enough down to my shoes so there is an uncomfortable few seconds of staring at a strangers breasts.

Then there was the test with the letters going from bigger to smaller. To give you an insight to how blind I am, I cannot even see the giant ‘A’ at the top anymore. That is not even an exaggeration.
Optician: “Without your glasses, what is the lowest line you can read?”
Me: “I can’t see anything but the white screen”
Optician: “Not even the top one?”
Me: “Nope I cannot see anything”
Optician: *zooming in about 20 times* “What about now?”
Me: “A”
Optician: “Nothing lower than that?”
NO THAT IS WHY I HAVE GLASSES. Rage.

Next was the part that I always find the most bizarre. The test with the black circles on the red and green backgrounds as you wear those ridiculous plastic glasses that are really heavy on your face.
Optician: “Do the circles look clearer and darker on red… or green?”
Me: “Red.”
Optician: “What about now? Red… *weird flick of the lens on a stick* or green?”
Me: “Red.”
Optician: “What about now? Red… *turning the lens on a stick over* or green?”
Me: “Red.” *panic that I have said red three times in a row*
Optician: “What about now? Red… *lifting lens on a stick off my eye and back again* or green?”
Me: “Red.” *shit, I’ve said it again, I’m definitely blind.*
Optician:*getting a different lens on a stick* “What about now? Red… or green?”
Me: “Green”
Optician: “Excellent”

When I wear those plastic glasses I end up with about 20 different lenses on each eye as they try to battle my blindness and even then I still can’t bloody see.

The last ‘normal’ test that I had, which I have every time I go to the opticians, was the one where they hold that thing with a light up to their eye and then bob towards you looking at your eye. It isn’t even that they just walk towards you, it is the fact that they swing from side to side, up and down as they do it. I find it very difficult not to laugh at this part because they just pop up in your eye line just inches away from your face staring intently at you.

One of the various other tests I had done, which I have never had this done before, is when they blow a puff of air into your eye. I wasn’t particularly fased by this when she told me; after all it is essentially the same as when you are walking down the street on a windy day no? But when it actually came to it everytime she puffed the air in I either:
– jumped out of my chair
– burst out laughing about jumping out of my chair
– blinked
It was actually very similar to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NiO639g4HY

The other test that I have never had done before is looking into a box with a small light at the back. I had to have a pirate eye patch on and then focus on the light with the other eye. Other lights flashed up around it and every time one flashed I had to press the button.

Such a simple test but the problem comes with the fact that, like a child or pet, when I get warm and it is dark I fall asleep in a matter of minutes. That coupled with the 3 or so hours sleep I had the night before meant that my reaction times were not on top form.

A few I saw but I just sort of… forgot… to press the button and with others I think I just pressed the button because I heard the light sound clicking so I clicked to. That is not good. I now have to go back to redo the test in case my eye is going to fall out or something.

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One thought on “My visit to the Opticians

  1. Josh says:

    “The last ‘normal’ test that I had, which I have every time I go to the opticians, was the one where they hold that thing with a light up to their eye and then bob towards you looking at your eye. It isn’t even that they just walk towards you, it is the fact that they swing from side to side, up and down as they do it. I find it very difficult not to laugh at this part because they just pop up in your eye line just inches away from your face staring intently at you. ”

    THANK GOD it isn’t just me that does this! I laugh every time. It reminds me of some giant, overgrown stick insect dancing side to side.

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