Well unless you haven’t been to a shop since Boxing Day you must know that Valentine’s Day is upon us. In every supermarket Easter and Valentine’s Day are battling it out on the confectionary aisle, chicken vs. heart, egg vs. roses, and I am on Easter’s side. Those Lindor bunnies look a million times more appealing than any of those chocolate hearts on a stick.
This is my first Valentine’s Day alone for about 5 years [first world brat problems] and I am not impressed. Well I’m lying, I’m not alone as Frankels, Irish and Marissa are my lovely dates and we are going on a fourway date to make all of those super romantic couples in Pizza Hut feel uncomfortable.
I never understood why people got so hung up about Valentine’s Day, it is one day in the year that focuses on the joys of romance blah blah blah, but now I have clocked why I didn’t understand, because I wasn’t single, and now I am in the same boat as all the other whingey singletons. But never mind, I will be loving life when I get my cookie dough so I don’t care. Much.
So I am going to enlighten you on the thought process of a depressed female singleton on Valentine’s Day:
– I AM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER.
– WHY AM I SO FAT
– THAT IS WHY NO-ONE LOVES ME BECAUSE I’M FAT
– I’M GOING TO DRUNK TEXT MY EX
– SHALL I GO AND FIND THE TRAMP AT FARRINGDON STATION? – oh wait, just me.
– WHY HAS SHE GOT A BOYFRIEND WHEN I HAVE NOT
– I NEVER LIKED HER ANYWAY
– I HATE FACEBOOK
– I HATE TWITTER
– HOW HAVE I GONE THROUGH 3 BOTTLES OF WINE
– SHIT I’M AT THE SHOP IN MY JAMMIES AND SLIPPERS
– OF COURSE THE FITTEST GUY IN THE PLANET IS HERE WHILST I LOOK HORRIFIC
– WHY AM I IN MY JAMMIES
– ANOTHER BAR OF DAIRY MILK WON’T HURT
– OH ALL OF THE VALENTINES DAY CHOCOLATE IS REDUCED
– I WILL MAKE SURE I TELL THE SHOP ASSISTANT IT IS FOR MY BOYFRIEND AS A LAST MINUTE THING
– HE KNOWS I’M LYING
– I’M GOING HOME TO CRY INTO THE MIRROR.
– I HAVE CHOCOLATE IN MY EYEBROW.
– ANN SUMMERS WEBSITE
– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH o.O
– WHAT DOES THAT DO?!
– THAT LOOKS LIKE A TORTURE DEVICE
– WHAT HAVE I BECOME
I am going to be single forever now.