Get into bed Bartholomew

When I was younger one of the many books I owned was called “Get into bed Bartholomew”. The general gist is that the parent bears are putting the youngest bear to bed, but he keeps whinging and complaining until the padre bear gets mad and shouts “GET INTO BED BARTHOLOMEW”.

I think about this story all the time as my 12 year old sister is the female, human version of Bartholomew. When she reads this she is going to be filled with rage but it is funny so I am going to continue.

Ever since she could talk, Lucy has never ever wanted to go to bed. I don’t know whether she feels she is missing out on vital, enriching television programmes, such as Eastenders or Real Housewives, but every excuse under the sun has come out of that child’s mouth as a reason not to go to bed. Much to my frustration.

I haven’t got a lot of patience. To be realistic, I don’t really have any. I’m one of these people:
Annoying person: “What time is it?”
Me: “Four o’clock”
Annoying person: “Pardon?”
Me: “Four o’clock”
Annoying person: “Pardon?”
Me: *walks off*

So when my sister has come down stairs for the second time in less than 30 minutes I am ready to explode. My mum on the other hand stays completely calm and I don’t really know how. Lucy’s regular bedtime excuses are [in order of popular usage]:
#1 “I will play with your hair” – 30 minutes to an hour
This works on my mum everytime. Every single time. As I write this Lucy is ‘getting ready for bed’ so by the time I publish this Lucy will probably be sat in the chair, comb in hand, plaiting Muma Coop’s hair.
#2 “I have a headache” – 15 minutes
One of the most effective as we are headachey people and therefore they are a regular occurrence. Also effective because you can’t tell if you actually have a headache or not. Bring out the Calpol. Not Nurofen, we don’t like the taste of Nurofen in the Cooper Household.
#3 “I have stomach ache” – 20 minutes
This leads to getting warm milk or a hot water bottle and Calpol.
#4 “My … hurts” – 15 to 30 minutes depending on the injury of choice
That space isn’t a substitute for a vahoo, it is a space for every body part that could possibly ache, hurt or cause another 30 minutes of faffing.
#5 “I’m just getting a glass of water” – 10 minutes
Sometimes I think she’s getting the water from the lake and purifying it herself.
#6 “Does anyone want a cup of tea?” – 20 minutes
This is very rare but if she is really desperate these are the lengths she will go to.

A favorite past time is guessing how long it is before she comes down after being sent to bed. Another is guessing, from things that she says throughout the day, she begins dropping the biggest hints at around an hour before the impending bed time, what excuse will be used that night. It is particularly brilliant when my Dad – he is where I get my comical genius from you see – says “MORNING” and Lucy gives him death stares.

Such banterous times in the Coops Household. Love you Lucinda Luckvinda!

*An additional piece from our big brother*
“When Bartholomew stays here she is an angel!!! I particularly like the twisted ankle routine, your mum bandaging the ankle, then 5 mins later Bart is running round the living room like a mentalist on acid!!!”

Also very, very true.


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