12 types of people on Twitter

I refused to get Twitter for a long time. I defended Facebook to the death, refusing to be limited by characters, but then one day finally caved to the pressure and now I am addicted. Ridiculously.

Just to add that all the tweets featured on here are made up by myself and although may be based on irritating things YOU have put they are not from real people.

#1 The retweeter of all things lame
Tweets include:
“@sadwhingeycatlady: it is like Adele has taken her song lyrics straight from my heart”
“@sadlonelygirl: you smashed my heart like a melon falling from a cliff.”
“@randomsexythings: kissing somes neck”
Are you joking? There are a number of issues here. Firstly, why are you following these people? Secondly, why are you retweeting what they are saying? Thirdly, why are you showing other people that you too are at this level? This level being annoying and ever so slightly weird – and not in a good way.

#2 The whinger
Tweets include:
– “Officially a “customer care expert”. I hate customers.”
– “why is the person i live with such a prick PRICK prick”
– “think I have just ripped every muscle in my entire body. Never running again.”
– “why do i wee every 5 minutes when I’ve had a drink #cooperproblems”
unfortunately, these are my own tweets and therefore I fall into this category of being a whingey little biatch. But it’s ok because I also use my time that I spend off Twitter to whinge to. I am quite good at moaning [no sexual innuendo here please people – I am innocent and have no clue what you would say anyway] so feel that actually I am providing a public service by sharing it for FREE. The best things in life are free…

#3 The person who is going to change the world
– “Why can’t people just get along? #stopwar”
– “Why are there still starving people in the world #sendasandwich”
– “Plant a tree today because planting on in the UK will save the Amazon Rainforest”
These are all fair points but changing the world goes beyond your comments on Twitter. Take your preaching to somewhere it will make a real difference, like a blog for example – I’m definitely changing the world from the comfort of my uni room – or to someone else to raise awareness. Quit your preaching and get to teaching. (I just made that up, I am definitely going into the wrong profession)

#4 The random follower
and they always seem to have so many follows. HOW?! You have no idea who they are, they just lurk about on Twitter following people. They usually don’t say an awful lot OR they are at the other end of the spectrum and don’t shut up about life’s issues or football.

#5 The one who always leaves their twitter unattended
Tweets include:
– “I love anal”
– “What does two lines on a pregnancy test mean?”
– “I have Chlamydia 😦 😦 sorry to anyone I’ve slept with”
and so on. You get the general gist. Anything that makes them look like a douche, offends people, s.t.i infested troll etc. People who have the Twitter app are the most targeted as it is just so easy for people to run riot on it. A better password maybe?

#6 The one who owns twitter but never uses it
Tweets include:
– oh no wait, they don’t have ANY.
There isn’t even anything to say. I can’t cast my judging eyes over your tweets as there aren’t any. What is this? Do you just sit and read others tweets or just not use it at all? I am truly silenced.

#7 The most boring tweeter on the entire planet
Tweets include:
– Cheese sandwich
I prefer ketchup to mayo
I don’t like yellow t-shirts
Get off twitter. Just leave. People will say “you don’t have to follow these people” but you do! It is a rule as a friend that you have to, even though they say nothing of any value – not that my friends are like this… not all of them anyway…
You need to enrich your life with culture e.g. popular ‘reality tv’ so that you to can have intellectual, 140 character discussions about truly earth shattering issues such as X-Factor and Made in Chelsea. You have no life otherwise, duh.

#8 The woe is me child
Tweets include:
Single forever #crazycatlady #cry
No one understands me #misunderstood #alone #fml
I wish you knew how I felt #blindinglyobvioustweet #pleaseloveme
Perhaps if you saw daylight and got some Vitamin D this wouldn’t be an issue! For the love of God, pull yourself together! You are actually pretty similar to #9 it’s just that you want a different type of attention, but attention all the same. If you want to feel extra sorry for yourself check this blog > https://coopsaysrelax.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/how-to-feel-sorry-for-yourself-effectively/ < it will set you up nicely.

#9 The attention seeker
Tweets include:
I love bananas [with a picture of them eating a banana]
I love giant hotdogs [with a picture of them eating a hotdog]
I love double scoop icecream [with a picture of them licking inbetween the two scoops]
I love laying on my bed air drying after a hot shower. #picturemepervs #wankbank
People please. These annoy me the most. Why don’t you just save everyone some time and just tweet “Desperate for attention. #callme” with your number on it? Ahh that’s why, because you want everyone to see you getting the attention, hence you proceed to retweet the comments that tell you how lush you are. Mmm, the sweet smell of inward self loathing.

#10 The singer
Tweets include:
– To the window, to the wall, till the sweat drop down my balls…
– If I was your boyfriend I’d never let you go, I could take you places you ain’t never been before
– I’ll take you to the candy shop, I’ll let you lick the lollypop
– Say my nameeeeeeeeeeeeee, and every colour with illuminate, we are shiningggggg
All of, or every other, tweet is deep and meaningful song lyrics. That stuff should stay on YouTube.

#11 The commentator
Tweets include:
– Breakfast was great, so filling today.
– Brunch is my favourite because it is so yummy.
– Lunchtime = Sandwich time!
– Mmm, spag bol at Zizzi’s for dinner!
You always know who, what, when, how and maybe why. You feel like you are actually living your life with this person or that in fact you are this person. With all this knowledge just wondering freely around the internet, what a perfect opportunity for a burglar.

#12 Celebrities
Celebrities on twitter can really frustrate me. Some are alright, their parodies are usually much more amusing, but the ones who post inspirational quotes get on nerves ridiculous amounts. The whole thing is such a PR stunt. That is all.

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One thought on “12 types of people on Twitter

  1. Ehehe this made me chuckle a LOT 😀

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