One of my first blogs was “8 types of boys you come across when you go out” [ https://coopsaysrelax.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/types-of-boys-you-come-across-when-you-go-out/ ] so really it is only fair to (finally) judge the female club population also.
#1 The fake drunk.
They will be falling around all over the place, banging in to people, spilling drinks everywhere, all the while screaming about how drunk they are but they are not drunk. At all. Run away from these girls as they turn everything in to a massive drama. Key examples include:
a) You accidentally touch them as you walk past > the kick off big time.
b) You accidentally knock into them as everyone’s dancing > they kick off even more, and if you are male you will be called a perv.
c) You catch their eye in the mirror in the bathroom > they kick off again.
d) They are queuing for a drink at the same time as you and you get served first > you can guess what they do.
I avoid these people as they are just too stressful. You should do the same.
#2 The genuine drunk mess.
The real drunks are doing all of the above actions but without realising and without the screaming. That is how you differentiate between the two. Genuine drunks will fall down and just jump back up and it isn’t until the next day when they clock the bone hanging out of their arm that they recall launching themselves over a bollard, missing and face planting the concrete. These people are amusing, but when you are out avoid contact with them in the bathroom as you will be stuck with her when she is throwing up her entire life down herself and more than likely you too. They will also be screaming things like ‘YOLO’ seriously.
#3 The horny one.
I called this one the ‘horny one’ because it is unfair to brand them all as slutty. It isn’t just the way they dress, it’s the way they act. If you are slut dropping whilst eyeing someone up or are being blatantly felt up on the dance floor then you cannot expect anything other than judging eyes coming your way. By all means, run riot and do whatever you want but don’t come crying to me when people are openly laughing at you because they can’t believe that you are behaving this way in public. Each to their own.
#4 The ‘I think I’m really hot’ one.
This can vary from one extreme to another. The first is genuinely quite hot and they bloody well know it. These are annoying but it is understandable why their ego is so large as all the boys tounges are providing a moist carpet for them to walk across. The second, the complete other end of the scale, has either a good body or a good face but not both. Because they have one, the amplify that feature and think they are Mila Kunis kind of hot. It is painful to watch these girls swan about because you just want to give them a bit of a
shake slap advice – get off your high horse because you aren’t as lush as you think you are.
#5 The ‘I am sober please leave me alone’ one.
Don’t bother this one with your drunk chat up lines. She will cut you down with:
a) an icy stare
b) laughing in your face
c) walking off
d) deconstructing your chat up line and making you feel as big as an ant’s toe nail.
These ones can walk in a straight line, are not covered in their own drink/vomit and are probably looking very frustrated with everyone else that is crushing them as they drunk dance. They usually look fed up and you wouldn’t approach them anyway as they look full of rage.
#6 The drink and go one.
She will be your best friend / potential one night stand until you buy her that double vodka and then she will LEAVE. Unless you are good looking then she may lurk about for a bit longer. Or if she is ‘the horny one’ she will stay all night and definitely leave with you. But about 80% of the time you are being mugged off – sorry.
#7 The one partaking in a girls night out
Really easy to spot. They are the shrieking banchees in a circle, slut dropping and screaming at each other over the music. Unfortunately when I go out with my friends, I am one of these *cringe*. Common shrieks include:
“OH MY GOD! THIS IS OUR SONG”
“AHHH! I LOVE THIS SONG”
“DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT ON HOLIDAY AND THIS WAS OUR SONG!” (Flo Rida – Good Feeling – TENERIFE 2012, ariba ariba!)
“AHHH! THIS IS OUR HOLIDAY SONG”
“I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH”
“WE WILL BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER”
If you are brave enough to take on one of the pack then good luck to you. If you aren’t up to the mark her friends will either drag or physically pick up their friend to get away from them. If this happens don’t latch on with a sloth grip, just walk away. Defeated.
#8 The newly single drowning her sorrows one
Very, very similar to the genuine drunk mess but probably with more tears and snot. Usually located in the toilets with a friend or 5 sobbing about being alone for ever. Guys, if you are looking for someone grateful of attention that’s the way to go. Just be prepared for all her friends to judge you for praying on a weak member of the herd.
#9 The good time girl.
Genuinely out just to have a good time and usually in the middle of the crowd loving life. You don’t really notice her as she isn’t punching someone or vomming everywhere but she is there, somewhere. You, guys or girls whatever floats your boat, should want to talk to that girl as she isn’t likely to be a biatch. Unless she has a boyfriend, which is probably likely, then she will be ice cold. GOOD LUCK!
#10 The dancer
One of my personal favourites, the girls who think they can dance but cannot. It isn’t even that they have no rhythm, it is when they attempt to Step Up style dance and they just can’t. I didn’t think people actually did this, but I have seen it several times. All equally as bad and it makes me lol-to-death. Or another type of dancer girl, is the ones who don’t just grind on guys they G R I N D, rap music video style. Brilliant. There are no other words. Just brilliant.