I’m still on the essay from my last post. I have 300 words left and no motivation. Instead of thinking about what to put in my essay I’m contemplating all of the things I could do instead. Eating, sleeping, you know all the important stuff in a typical student day. As I sit here feeling sorry for myself, and the person who has to read my crappy essay, I realise I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I’m not sure why as things could be much much worse but it is much easier to see the doom and gloom when it is cold and you have work to do. So I thought I would teach you the ways of effective self-pity.
As an example of how to make any situation self-pitying:
1. I went and got a packet of biscuits from the kitchen.
2. Ate half the pack.
3. Thought about the calories in that half a pack.
4. I’M GOING TO BE FAT AND ALONE FOREVER.
You see? How easy is that? No? Fine…
#1 Get in the right mindset
Like a theatre performance, props and costume are key. Get on the most unflattering, baggy clothes you own, preferably dark in colour. Pour cooking oil into your hair and over your face so you look like a grease monkey, look in the mirror at your unshapely, dirty self and then get in to bed. Turn off the lights and think about one of the following [only applicable to students]:
a. how much work you have to do but are not doing
b. how little money you have
c. how hungry you are
d. how out of your depth you are
e. [single people only] being alone
These are only starting points. Things will progress from here. I personally go for B, the money, as all I want to do is shop 24/7 and E, because I’m a girl and let’s face it, that’s all we whinge about.
Sit in front of the mirror (still looking horrid) and eat chocolate/biscuits/cake. No fruit or vegetables, they are to fresh and healthy for this exercise, just fatty foods. An advanced step to this is to stuff more in your mouth than can actually fit so that it is hanging out of your mouth whilst you sob at your own vile reflection. If you can be bothered go to a take away but if you are in the right mindset you won’t leave you self loathing pity bed. If you are ahead of the game you would have already set up camp in your bedroom with enough food and drink to last you a week without being disturbed. Drink meaning
#3 Cut yourself off from your phone and social media.
“NO ONE LOVES ME” is a brilliant way to feel rubbish about yourself. Turn off your phone – tell you Mum first before she has heart failure – and make yourself feel isolated. Then forget that this is a self-inflicted event and think “no one cares about me, no one even cares that they haven’t heard from me…”
#4 Think of the worst
This is a skill rather than something that can be taught. The more irrational the better. It doesn’t matter how extravagant the thought process is, no one can challenge you (you are alone ALONE, all alone, a loner, a lone wolf remember) so make an all singing all dancing effort with this story.
Just for the record, I don’t actually do this. I know there will be people out there thinking that my uni room is filled with empty food wrappers (which is only partially true), vodka bottles (401) and my bed is full of crumbs and oil. It isn’t. I’m fine! I’m better than fine. I’m
good great FANTASTIC! If you actually followed the steps, I’m sorry, then the best thing for you is some really ‘girl power’ (I hate that phrase) – boys you can modify it, sort of. – in the form of a playlist consisting of Pussycat Dolls, Beyonce, Destiny’s Child, S Club 7 and SPICE GIRLS (how could I forget!? clearly not a true 90s child).
Have a nice day 🙂