I know you (Rob) have been anxiously waiting for my ranty blog about Aimee launching me down the stairs and of course I will not disappoint you! For my own amusement, annoyance of TC Criplan [Aimee “Thumb Crusher” Quinlan’s new name] and the fact that I closed my eyes so can only speculate what happened I have created several versions of the event.
Just for a bit of background this happened on Friday night at about 11-ish. Aimee is completely pissed and I am not. Well not in comparison to Aimee so I would describe it as ‘moderately drunk’.
#1 Aimee fell and I didn’t want her to get all the attention.
Aimee was drunk. Aimee fell onto her right side. I didn’t want her to get all the attention so I waited until she hit the floor and proceeded to dive on top of her, hence the bruises and large cut on her left leg. I then quickly rolled off so that when she opened her eyes I was facing her and she would never know.
#2 Aimee turned into the Hulk.
I don’t know whether she was mad because I had some Glen’s [vodka] or because I was trying to help her out but she suddenly went green, all of her clothes burst at the seams and she grunted before looking me in the eye and launching me down the stairs. I tried to escape but it was too late. As I tried to run away, she grabbed me by my thumb and snapped it in half.
#3 Aimee pushed me.
I was just walking down the stairs minding my own business when Aimee shoved me in the back and then when I hit the floor she realised it would be to obvious and threw herself down too.
#4 I pushed Aimee.
She was drunk and loud and was making me late so in a fit or rage I just kicked her in the back of the knee and she went down like a sack of spuds.
#5 The Liberty Court mice pushed us
The mice that are running riot in the building constructed an elaborate plan to kill Aimee off so that they can live peacefully in 401. They tied Aimee’s shoes together and then worked together to push her over and unfortunately I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
#6 I wanted a faster way of getting down the stairs.
Aimee was taking too long in her drunken state so I kicked her and rode her like a sledge down the stairs. Unfortunately she didn’t turn the corner. What a rubbish sledge.
#7 The Truth.
Unfortunately the truth is nowhere near as amusing as Aimee turning into the Hulk, but it does show what a lovely, innocent person/victim I am.
Me: “Aimee let’s take the lift”
Aimee: “No, the stairs”
Me: “No the lift”
Aimee: “No, the stairs”
Me: “Fine, the stairs it is”
We managed the first set fine and as I linked her arm and said the words “Aimee be careful” left my mouth she either slipped or fell forward taking me with her, falling down about 6 steps. I closed my eyes as soon as I felt us falling, but I am convinced we missing out 5 of those stairs completly and just hit the floor. Being sensible – even after a few vodkas – I stuck my hand out to protect my
head/ brain/face and broke my thumb OR Aimee landed on it OR I whacked it on the bannister. Either way I have ended up broken and Aimee is on crutches. This in turn led to 6 hours in A&E on Saturday but on the plus side I did get a chicken mayo, medium fries, medium drink + cheeseburger for £3 from McDonald’s – every cloud and all that jazz.