Us girls are complicated creatures at the best of times, but boys beware as you may think you have found a genuine gem but really you are just one of many boys chasing the same ‘perfect’ girl. She is: pretty, but doesn’t know it; good body, but doesn’t know it; honest; philosophical and genuinely lovely. That girl does not exist. So in an attempt to help you sift through the good and the bad I have written some translations.
Girls say: “I’m an upfront person”
Girls mean: “I haven’t quite yet developed the ability to understand what is appropriate in the situation and what is actually just rude”.
Honesty really is the best policy but there is a difference between being truthful and being a twat. Yes, the random girl in the club toilets may look like a sausage bursting through the skin but you don’t have to tell her when there is nothing that can be done about it and all you have done is upset a random stranger and made yourself look like a knob.
Girls say: “This is just a temporary picture”
Girls mean: “Please tell me how lovely it is whilst I pretend it was the first picture I took when I rolled out of bed”
It would save a lot of time if you just put PLEASE GIVE ME ATTENTION under every single photo that you share or tweet. Everyone knows that you have taken about 50 photos before subtly adjusting the contrast on one where you look particularly good, to make you look even better. We (we being the female population) know because we have also indulged in this ego boosting activity at some stage. Admittedly, most of us grew out of this stage at about 15, when we realised that random myspace/facebook weirdos that comment and like your photos are only looking to groom you, and now only use photos from actual social events rather than the bathroom mirror.
Girls say: “Just got out the shower”
Girls mean: “Please wank over me.”
If you have actually just got out the shower and are dripping wet, prehaps you should have paid more attention in school as electronics and water don’t mix very well at all. Instead of tweeting about it why don’t you actually get dressed and doll yourself up in preparation for the photo taking session you are about to embark on
Girls say: “The diet starts tomorrow”
Girls mean: “I’m not really going on a diet, I just want you to tell me how lush I am”
Similarly to the “temporary picture” scenario, anything that can only be answered with an ego boosting response is a cry for attention. People who actually need to go on a diet won’t post it everywhere because a) they know people won’t say “no you don’t” b) they don’t want to discuss it they just want to do it. You will also notice that when their friends say “no you don’t babe” they will either ‘like’ the comment or say something along the lines of “aww thanks babe, love you xx” whereas if a boy says the same thing, she will reply “I’m so unhappy with the way I look 😦 but thanks anyway xxxxxxx” so that he has to continue the “no, you are lush” argument with her. For the love of God woman, you are not fat and from your vast 1000 photo strong gallery of photos of yourself you also know that you look absolutely fine.
Girls say: any cliché/quote about heart-break/finding love
Girls mean: “See how my heart has been broken and needs repairing – LOVE ME”
In an attempt to be deep and meaningful they have copied and pasted something from Marilyn Monroe about loving yourself because no one else will ever be good enough blah blah blah or something along those lines to show you that they are independent and strong but really it is code for “prove that you can love me instead”.